Remembering The Good Old Days

Today I was reminded by my husband of last Summer. He recalled how just last summer I was able to do so much more. We used to take our kids to a park with a big lake to go fishing. To get to the lake was no easy task. It required hiking down a steep gravel hill, hauling a wagon full of the days necessities. A cooler with food and drink, fishing gear, blanket or chairs to sit on, toys. We would spend hours there, not really for the great fishing, but for the happiness it brought us all to be out there in the fresh air, playing in the dirt and the water. It felt good to have the sun on my face and every once in a while we would get the thrill of catching a 4" blue gill. Sometimes afterwords we would drive a little further down the rolling road to get a scoop of handmade ice cream. My youngest son would fall asleep every time on the way and wake up crying that he missed the drive. I guess the hills lulled him to sleep. At the time I guess I took it for granted. It never occured to me that I would be sitting here today, just a year later, and remembering those days with so much sadness in my heart. Sadness because this summer we didn't go to that lake once.

We didn't go to that lake because I haven't been able to walk a block let alone down the hill to the lake and then back up to our car. I can't walk 5 feet without wincing or limping from the pain. The summer is gone now and we didn't enjoy it at all and it's all because of this disease. I feel resonsible. I feel to blame. I feel guilty. I hate what it's doing to me, but to see the downward slope my husband is on breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to see my kids grow up in such an un-natural environment. No kids to play with. Stuck inside with their mother who is hurting too much to play with them. Shall I list all the other things this disease has taken from me this summer?

We didn't go up to our town square once this summer to listen to the band play in the gazebo while the kids played on the old cannon. We used to do that every Friday night. I would pack up a picknic dinner and we would lay out a blanket and enjoy the food and drink and music and the kids would run around with all the other kids late into the night.

We didn't go see the hot air balloon launch that we usually do twice every summer. It's just a tradition I guess. Pack a picknic lunch and basket and watch the giant balloons lift off and float away until the people in the baskets look like tiny dots.

We didn't go see the 4th of July fireworks display this year. We were able to see some from our house but come on..................it's fireworks. You need to be laying on a blanket up close so that they explode in the night sky over your head! That's how I like to watch them!

We didn't ride our bikes, well at least I didn't and I know my kids only rode them a handful of times. My husband works a lot of hours and doesn't have a whole lot of time for that sort of thing. I used to take them on long bike rides to playgrounds. They loved it. I loved it. It got my heart racing and worked the muscles in my legs that I can't even see anymore.

We didn't camp out in the backyard. Just another summer tradition we have. One night we set up our huge tent in the backyard back by the bonfire pit. We aren't really into ruffing it I guess you could say. We would bring back a small television and vcr and radio. We had all the emenities. That was our version of ruffing it. I can barely get comfortable in my own bed let alone on a air matress.

We didn't go to the zoo. My husband isn't missing this adventure at all, he's not a fan, and quite frankly it always makes me sad to see the animals locked up in such tiny unatural cages. But the kids loved the adventure and loved getting up close to an elephant or a monkey. They loved the whole day. They mostly loved the train ride.

These are some of the things that I missed the most this summer. I spent the summer in the house, on the couch, or in my bed. I lived in my pajamas. I did manage to get the kids out to the pool, but even that was a struggle. Getting the top on and off, and cleaning it were too much for me. It ended becoming one more job for my husband. One more thing to worry about and time that took him away from us.

All that I haven't been able to do, simple things that I did, like cleaning, yard work, I wasn't able to do this summer. It meant that my husband had to pick up the slack. What little time he has off was now bombarded with attention on the kids and picking up my slack. It's been so stressfull on him. It makes me so angry that i'm in this position. I hate myself most days of the week. I think of how miserable I am making him. I see it on his face, in his tone, his happiness is fading. This disease doesn't just affect us as women it affects the people around us. And even though I never asked for this, I can't help but feeling responsible for my family's unhappiness. I can't help but feel to blame. That's where I'm at today. This is Everyday Endo. This is my nightmare.