Tick....Tock....Tick....Tock.....11 days till surgery. It hit me yesterday really hard. I've known about the surgery for weeks now, but yesterday it became real.

This will be my 7th surgery for endometriosis and hopefully the last. This one is going to be different from the others because it is being done with new technology. I will be having surgery performed by a robot. Yep a robot. Well my doctor will be behind the controls, but escentially a robot will be doing the dirty work. It's called DaVinci Robotics. Apparently this robotics provides surgeons with enhanced capabilities, the da Vinci Surgical System makes it possible to treat a broader range of conditions using a minimally invasive approach. This means that with da Vinci, you can have major surgery with only a few tiny incisions. In addition, your surgeon can operate with better visualization, precision, dexterity and control than possible using traditional surgical approaches.

It all sounds fine and dandy but will it work? Becuase I just had surgery 4 months ago and look at me now. I'm going to have a peritoneal stripping, which I guess will help to remove all endometriosis lesions. My doctor will also be looking into possible adhesions or ovarian remnant syndrom as a cause to the left sided pain I've had since my left side oophorectomy in June. And drumroll please.....................the right side ovary. This is where I begin to sweat and panic.

I'm 34 years old. Not quite ready for menopause. Last week I had an ultrasound that showed 2 (3 cm) complex cysts. They have been causing lots of pain. Last Friday I went into my doctors office, at his request. I was in so much pain I could barely sit in the chair. And apparently it was just had a baby day there because every woman in the office had a newborn. And there I sat, wriggling in pain, trying not to cry. Trying not to look at their smiling faces. Trying not to look at their precious newborns. The thing is, is that I'm about the same age as the women I sat there with. Yet there they were, smack dab in the middle of the best days of their lives and there I sat facing my worst nightmare. Losing my natural hormone producing ability. It makes me angry to see these women. It's a big slap in the face. I was very fortunate to have had my 2 sons, and truth be told, I'm happy with that, I don't want anymore babies. It's not about that. It's that I'm their age and look at me! Look at my life. I don' t want to be in menopause. Why is this my only option? I want to be able to be happy for them. They have their health and their babies and life is wonderful. But I look at them and it reminds me of all that I should but don't have.

In the doctors office I cried like a baby. I asked for a higher dose of natural progesterone cream. I was told I was already on the hightest dose. It's not working. Through the waterworks I told my doctor that I can't take it anymore. Just remove the ovary. But I'm scared because I know the increased risk of heart disease, and breast cancer and alzheimers. My maternal grandmother, who had endometriosis, and a hysterectomy, and HRT, got breast cancer, and has alzheimers. My fears are real. He assured me that he would treat me with bio-identical hormone replacement therapy if he removes the ovary, but that he thinks maybe we should try another cystectomy. I think he just doesn't want me making such decisions in the middle of a meltdown.

So here I am. I'm really tired. I didn't sleep well last night. I probably won't sleep well for the rest of the nights leading up to the surgery. I never do. My house usually gets very clean too. I have so much nervous energy that I just clean clean clean. Only problem now is that I've never been in this much pain before so it's not really something I can do. I need to use my hands or my mind will take over and destroy everything. If I don't use my hands to destract myself I'll just spontaneously combust! I need to scrub, and polish, and iron, and re-arrange. It's how I deal. We'll see. I'll keep ya posted. Maybe I will write a new entry everyday till the surgery so I can look back on my metal decline. No scratch that. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to be brave. I'm going to triumph!

Have you watched The Secret? Apparently it's as easy as asking the universe for my health, then believing it can be, and then living like it is. That's it! Voila! Only one problem. I'm a pesimist. It's work for me to believe the best when i always seem to get the worst. Do I have really bad luck or is it because I always assume the worst so that's what I get? Let's do an experiment. I will be asking the universe for healing. I will ask the universe to let this be the surgery that ends my pain. I will do my best to believe it. And we will see what happens.